Juggling

Things have been so busy. I am constantly trying to figure out how to juggle all the things I need to do and be somewhat successful at all of them. It goes back to the never-ending struggle of balance. Is this all I write about? It is so frustrating.

First, and most importantly, Mason's doctors are driving me INSANE. And I am seriously considering just telling them, specifically his pediatrician, to shove it. It started around his 1st birthday in September and they were a little concerned with his weight and wanted to make sure that he was ok. They started with one blood test and his BUN levels were elevated (which I found out later could be due to dehydration) but nonetheless led to what seemed to be hundreds of tests. For the record, three of the tests I had to actually put poop into test tubes. He's my angel and all, but that is gross... I still haven't fully recovered. This was a huge process that led to dozens of doctor appointments, and NO result. So, I finally said this is ridiculous and called off the appointments. This child is fine he's happy and inquisitive, sociable and funny. He is fine. Well, I just went in for his latest check up... And now they want me to go to the neurologist. Based on what? SOLELY based on the fact that he isn't walking yet. Ok, he should be walking - I get that - but come on...a neurologist? For the record he does attempt to walk and he has been cruising for months....he is almost 16 months old, though. I have procrastinated the visit. Spending the next several months dealing with neurologists is just something I don't want to think about. And to think it will end the same as the gasterologists with him being fine. I keep thinking that I will KNOW if there is something seriously wrong. I mean that's what mother's intuition is, right? I really feel he is a normal kid that is only around other kids 2 days a week (while I'm at school) and he is just not ready to walk yet. So here is the dilemma... am I a bad mom because I'm not following the doctor's recommendation (or at least postponing it)or at some point do I just say enough is enough and let him just be a kid? All these tests are hard on both of us.

Ok, so on to the other issue. My love-hate relationship with school. For those of you who don't know I am attending Aveda Institute in St. Pete. I go Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and including the drive, they are nearly 13 hour days... I am really glad that I decided to go there. I've met some great people and have learned a lot. It really is a huge change in my life, but one that no doubt will be for the better. There is one problem, though, and it's the school management. As with anything in life, there are a ton of rules, which isn't what I have a problem with. In fact, I think in some ways it makes it a better school with loads of discipline, but my problem is the consequence to many of the broken rules is being sent home (no warnings, no write ups... just sent home). 5 minutes late from break? - home. 16 minutes late to class? - home. Forgot to have the educator do a final check on your client? Hasta la vista, Baby! In my opinion, this is absurd. We all pay (or owe) a ton of good money to this school and to be punished by losing part of our education is crazy. You incidentally have to make up the hours, but you could potentially miss lesson plans, and in turn could end up being less of a stylist. Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy? For the record, I have not been sent home yet, but it is a threat that as a student is looming indefinitely. And in my case, paying an extra day of daycare is a financial burden I can't afford. So, there it is. Aveda.

So, needless to say, life has been a roller coaster lately... But it is what it is, right? Oh! I forgot to mention the freezing weather and the family visits! Too busy complaining, I guess... Well, I'll be more cheerful for my next entry, I promise.

Moms, moms everywhere...

I am in no way an expert in motherhood, but I find it most amusing how some mothers "mother" their children. Although every mom is different, they seem to fall into three main categories. The "perfect" mom, the obsessive mom, and the "fah-git about it" mom.

The perfect mom is usually in no way perfect, but likes everyone to think she is. In fact it is nearly impossible to catch her at a weak moment. They spend every spare moment they have making sure they are prepared for everything. A scraped knee? No problem! Antibiotic ointment, bandaid, a kiss and all is well with the world. They have a schedule that rarely waivers and it works perfectly - of course! Their children are perfect too. They always sleep through the night. There are never projectile vomiting episodes or blown out diapers. This mother has everything handled. (Psssst.... it's a total front...)These moms are most likely to have a breakdown. This is the mother that hides her bottle of wine in the pantry and has a makeshift cot set up with a sappy romance novel and boxes of kleenex.

The obsessive mom! Now this one is my favorite - only because they are so easy to spot. This is the mom that eats, breathes, and sleeps her child and their progress. She has read every book under the sun regarding childhood developement. She has a reserved spot at the pediatrician. She buys antibacterial everything and carries a large bottle of Purel with her wherever she goes. She freaks out if her child isn't sitting up unassisted by 6 months. And forget about having a conversation with her that isn't about her kid - it's impossible. This is the woman you want to slap and yell at her to "SNAP OUT OF IT".

Now the third category is usually reserved for second-time moms, but on rare ocassion the first-time moms do fit into this category. The "fah-git about it" moms are the moms that may have been the "perfect" mom previously and had to be admitted to a facility or realized that they now no longer have time to be obsessive. These are the moms that see their children pick up random cheerios in the parking lot and choose to turn a blind eye. Or just let their children nap when their tired, eat when their hungry, and play when they want to. They don't have the desire or time to analyze everything he/she does and see if they are "on track" - so forget about it - don't let the stress get to them. They have realized that their children won't break. It's ok to let go. There weren't hundreds of books to memorize or an internet when we were kids. Parents "winged" it, and we didn't turn out all that bad (well most of us)!

So, there you have it. There, of course, are many other moms out there. Some blend the lines between the categories, some have created their own, but I think what moms need to realize is that each phase of motherhood should be one to be enjoyed. Your kids feel anxiety. Your kids feel you being uptight and stressed. Just let it go and enjoy it. This phase will be gone before you know it. And, guess what? The other night I forgot to nurse Mason. And surprisingly he survived through the night - a little constipated, but nothing that a prune won't fix. Just roll with the punches. Your family's needs are going to be different than mine. But all in all, just make it fun.

Guilty (TV) Pleasures

I have to admit that ever since TiVo and DVR were invented, I have become a reality television whore. The freedom that recording programs gives you is undeniable and extraordinary. In fact, I truly believe that I should be a spokesperson for the service. Not to mention being able to fast forward through commercials... oh, I am in love! So, in turn, I watch everything from food shows like Top Chef and Hell's Kitchen to talent competitions like American Idol to So You Think You Can Dance, and even embarrassing shows like The Real Housewives of New York City/New Jersey/Orange County...



The most recent addiction is one that is so humiliating that it is even difficult for me to type, but its... I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! Ok, I know what you are thinking, but just to explain, there wasn't anything on, and I watched the first show... and well, the rest is history. In synopsis, this show is about a handful of "has been" celebrities left in the jungles of Costa Rica and participate in competitions for food and luxury items. The "celebrities" include a couple Baldwin brothers, the guy from La Bamba, some wrestler chick, a couple of idiots from 'The Hills' (whatever the hell that is), a retired NBA player, wife of an impeached Illinois Governor, ex-American Idol contestent (Sanjaya) and Janice Dickerson (the self-proclaimed first "supermodel"). This show is a train wreck. On the up side they do this for charity. Just a couple of observations I have made...

1. What the hell is up with Janice's face? Is it just too much plastic surgery or too many skin treatments? I mean she looks like her face is a red balloon. So wierd. And she is really disgusting. Besides urinating in camp, she chews with her mouth wide open, and for a supermodel, surprisingly eats a lot - more than her share.

2. I actually love Sanjaya. On American Idol he drove me crazy, but on this show he is like a little Jungle Boy and he is really the most normal, besides Patty

3. Speaking of Patty (Blagojevich), I really would like to see her go far. I know the probablilty of her winning is slim, but it seems that she is there for the right reasons, and cares about her family.

4. I won't get into the whole Hills scenario, but Heidi and Spencer are the strangest couple I have ever seen, and I am shocked that people actually watch their show - that coming from a person that is actually watching "I'm a Celebrity..Get me out of Here!"



Another addiction is Jon and Kate plus Eight. I have seen almost all of the episodes (it started with a Jon and Kate marathon in my 9th month of pregnancy) and I just love this show. There is a lot of controversy regarding this show right now. With the paprazzi following them around, apparently Jon has made some unwise decisions (out all night with women--who knows) and now their marriage is on the rocks. Not to say Kate is completely innocent. She has a tendency to be a little degrading towards him, but I think its just her personality. There is also some talk about exploiting their children (sextuplets and a set of twins) - I personally think that is ridiculous, but I'm not there 24/7, but neither are the cameras from what I understand.

All in all I really am rooting for them, and hope that they survive, even if that means they stop filming.



So hands down, So You Think You Can Dance is my favorite reality show of all time. SOOOO much better than that other dancing show that I don't even want to mention. These kids are so freaking talented it will blow your mind. They make their bodies do the impossible. Even a person who isn't into dance will love this show. It is amazing.

There is one drawback to this show though, after watching it, I tend to think that I can actually do the moves too, and find myself pretending to be a hip hop artist or a ballerina for a good 2 days afterward, usually in the kitchen while I am preparing meals.

I think I pulled something last night.

Summer activites

In an attempt to get out of the house (and spend little money) I have found several activities that Mason and I have enjoyed these past few weeks. Because summer is here and you can't spend more than a few moments outside before realizing that you are in desperate need of yet another shower, our activites have been limited to early morning and indoors.

Although I have been able to lose a few pounds going to Weight Watchers I really need an active outlet. I had attended a class for Stroller Strides that I enjoyed very much. They have this go to the first class free. I call it the "drug dealer special". You know, go and have fun, get addicted, and end up paying for it. Well, I wasn't going to fall for it, but a summer special came along, and there I was hook, line, and sinker. I must say, however, it is GREAT excercise, and Mason really enjoys seeing the other kids (and I love talking to the moms too!)

Another great resource that I have mentioned previously is Meetup. This is a great way to meet other people, and at the very least find out about some great kid-friendly activities going on in the area. I went to one today that was at the local library (FREE!) and it was a Baby Sign Language Class that proves to be a great tool for moms and ultimately proven to raise IQ levels in children. It really is amazing. I figured I would try it out... Even if we just use a couple words, it'll be fun.

On Saturday Mason is attending his very first swim lesson at the local YMCA. Another great deal (that I incidentally found out through a meetup group)- we received a discount since there were so many people interested. I will surely post some interesting pictures from this adventure. The downside, of course, would be me still having to squeeze my fat ass into a swimsuit - don't worry NO pictures of me in a swimsuit will be posted).

We also have Busch Gardens passes. This would be a bit more fun if Mason was a little older. They have an awesome toddler area that is a HUGE treehouse with a water "sprayground". But next year he will be all over this. Meanwhile, though, it's great to walk around (as long as it's early morning or late afternoon) and always educational (for me, as well as him).

So there you have it, some summer fun for the next couple weeks.

Letter to Chili the dog

Dear Chili,

I remember when we got you. We drove to the local Ikea store and waited in the parking lot for you to arrive. Daddy and I were so excited. I really wanted to hold you for the 5 minute drive home, but I let Daddy hold you since he seemed like he would be devastated if he wasn't able to. Looking back, I wasn't sure who I was more concerned about having an "accident" in the car.

I remember how small you were. You were so curious about everything -- and such a happy puppy. You were a handful, and in some ways still are.

I remember chasing you around our Virginia neighborhood in a business suit and 4 inch heels... You were having so much fun. I, on the other hand, was not... Such a playful puppy.

I remember how worried I was when I had to go to work, and how concerned I was when the DC traffic was so bad that I had left you alone for 10 hours. I am so sorry about that.

I remember taking you on long walks everyday. The walks in Virginia were fun and adventurous. We spent so much time together exploring the nature parks. We had fun.

I remember how worried I was every time we moved, but you always did just fine. You didn't complain once when we had to keep you in the kennel so long, and loved the hotel room - even though the hike up and down 5 flights of stairs to take you out was a pain - you never minded.

I remember how good you were when we brought Mason home. You had moved across several states, lived in a hotel room (again), moved into a new place, and met Mason all within a month - and you were fine. Thank you.

Now that "mommyhood" has taken over I tend to forget about you sometimes. Our long walks in Virginia are now short spurts in the park to burn off some of your energy(just so you don't drive us crazy later). Sometimes I forget to fill your bowl until I hear you whining to remind me. Sometimes I spend more of the day "shush"-ing you rather than petting you. Sometimes I forget about you all together until the evening when you snuggle at my feet. You used to be the king of the house, and now - you are slowly becoming the low man on the totem pole.

I'm so sorry. We still love you. You will always be our first baby. And if you weren't at my feet every night, I would miss you - a lot.

You're a good dog, Chili - And I don't tell you enough.

Love,
Mommy

Balance

We are all searching for this "perfect" balance. This balance between family, community, and self, and within each category there are subcatagories. It's a neverending battle. It's next to impossible, and people work on this their entire lives, only a few ever actually achieve it.

Family. Being a new mom, of course, you prioritize your life, placing your newborn at the top of the list. This seems like the right thing to do, almost instinctual, but you pay the price for this (see self). Marriage falls in this category as well. I come from the school of thought that marriage shouldn't be work. Maybe I'm naive, as I've only been married for 2 1/2 years, or maybe my definition of work differs, but I think a relationsship may be many things: compromise, listening, communication, nurture, but work? Regardless, though, this is an important aspact of family - if not the most important one.

Community. When I was in my twenties, I was all about community. Friends, colleagues, even somewhat strangers... After moving around, and now having a small child, community for me now is pretty much non-existent. I'm currently working on this. There are several options to try and expand this category. There is church. Personally, I have never been much of a fan of organized religion. It may date back to being dragged kicking and screaming to church every Sunday, but I also understand that this is a great way to meet people and to be a part of a group. I have been to several Mommy and Me groups (see previous posts). I haven't really met anyone that I have clicked with in this respect, but I keep going -- you never know. Another is work...

Recently I have been looking at my career. What do I want to do. I know that juggling career and being a full-time mom is impossible, but there has to be a way around this. Do I want to continue working in the hospitality industry? Is it just too late for me to change careers at this point in my life? I have been tossing around ideas of starting my own business and finding something that would incorporate family. What would I be passionate about? (This is an ongoing internal debate, that I will no doubt address in future posts) - Work is a great way no meet people, but it also stems back to self...

Self. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. Is this me? Under the dark circles and the smear of mascara that has somehow stained my eyes. This is my struggle at the moment. My "self" has slipped. The balance is off. I don't find myself really getting a lot of time to dedicate to this. (Other than the occassional bubble bath - which seems to be extremely rejuventating, though). Most importantly though, you have to have a strong sense of self and self esteem for you, as well as your family -- and there is the cycle... Family, community, self. Balance.

Promises, Promises...

I've been thinking about creating an ongoing list of promises that I intend to make to my children. A list that I will, undoubtedly, need to revisit frequently. I will probably forget one or two of these promises in the midst of a "debate" (a.k.a. blowout argument) when my children are teenagers - or maybe sooner.

When most women get pregnant, there is the universal thought of: "I will be better than my parents". Personally, my parents weren't bad at all - but as a mother, as any mother no doubt, you want to improve upon the concept of "mother". At some point we should get it right - which I guess will be virtually impossible since we are human. I am sure that every mother wants this for her child, though, to be better than the generation previously. I think in concentrating on the things they did wrong, we forget about what was right. So, hence, the list. To try and remember the simple things that my parents did correctly (in my opinion) and the things I want to improve upon.

I promise...

• ...to support you. This does not mean financially. I'm not going to always buy you the latest and greatest fashion or gadget, but I promise you that when it counts, I will support you.


• ...to say I'm sorry when I am wrong, which I am sure I will be (once or twice).


• ...to be honest with you. Now this is a little tricky since it will have to be age appropriate, but my hopes are that you will know that I'll speak truthfully when you need to hear it, and not keep secrets (this excludes Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy at least for a little while).


• ...to always do the best I can at being your mom. This may not (and probably won't) always be good enough at the time, but in the end, I hope it will be.


• ...to enjoy and treasure the small things, the tiny moments that only you and I share.


• ...to try and create as many of those special moments as possible.


• ...to show you that the best things in life are really free - and that's not some dumb saying.


• ...to speak with you, instead of at you.


• ...to try and expose you to as much of the world and it's beauties, as well as imperfections, as possible.


• ...to be optimistic - or at least try REALLY hard!


• ...to remember that you are your own person, and I don't own you. You are free to be, and I won't try to control you - ever.


• ...to teach you about trust and how important your word is.


• ...to nurture your opinions and your individual thoughts, even if they differ from mine.
• ...to teach you to respect, not only others, but yourself as well.


• ...to help you understand that being a part of this family makes you special.


• and most importantly, I promise to love you - no matter what.
  

There are many more, I'm sure, but that's all I've got for now. If anyone has any suggestions feel free to comment!

Happy Mother's Day!