Letter to Chili the dog

Dear Chili,

I remember when we got you. We drove to the local Ikea store and waited in the parking lot for you to arrive. Daddy and I were so excited. I really wanted to hold you for the 5 minute drive home, but I let Daddy hold you since he seemed like he would be devastated if he wasn't able to. Looking back, I wasn't sure who I was more concerned about having an "accident" in the car.

I remember how small you were. You were so curious about everything -- and such a happy puppy. You were a handful, and in some ways still are.

I remember chasing you around our Virginia neighborhood in a business suit and 4 inch heels... You were having so much fun. I, on the other hand, was not... Such a playful puppy.

I remember how worried I was when I had to go to work, and how concerned I was when the DC traffic was so bad that I had left you alone for 10 hours. I am so sorry about that.

I remember taking you on long walks everyday. The walks in Virginia were fun and adventurous. We spent so much time together exploring the nature parks. We had fun.

I remember how worried I was every time we moved, but you always did just fine. You didn't complain once when we had to keep you in the kennel so long, and loved the hotel room - even though the hike up and down 5 flights of stairs to take you out was a pain - you never minded.

I remember how good you were when we brought Mason home. You had moved across several states, lived in a hotel room (again), moved into a new place, and met Mason all within a month - and you were fine. Thank you.

Now that "mommyhood" has taken over I tend to forget about you sometimes. Our long walks in Virginia are now short spurts in the park to burn off some of your energy(just so you don't drive us crazy later). Sometimes I forget to fill your bowl until I hear you whining to remind me. Sometimes I spend more of the day "shush"-ing you rather than petting you. Sometimes I forget about you all together until the evening when you snuggle at my feet. You used to be the king of the house, and now - you are slowly becoming the low man on the totem pole.

I'm so sorry. We still love you. You will always be our first baby. And if you weren't at my feet every night, I would miss you - a lot.

You're a good dog, Chili - And I don't tell you enough.

Love,
Mommy

Balance

We are all searching for this "perfect" balance. This balance between family, community, and self, and within each category there are subcatagories. It's a neverending battle. It's next to impossible, and people work on this their entire lives, only a few ever actually achieve it.

Family. Being a new mom, of course, you prioritize your life, placing your newborn at the top of the list. This seems like the right thing to do, almost instinctual, but you pay the price for this (see self). Marriage falls in this category as well. I come from the school of thought that marriage shouldn't be work. Maybe I'm naive, as I've only been married for 2 1/2 years, or maybe my definition of work differs, but I think a relationsship may be many things: compromise, listening, communication, nurture, but work? Regardless, though, this is an important aspact of family - if not the most important one.

Community. When I was in my twenties, I was all about community. Friends, colleagues, even somewhat strangers... After moving around, and now having a small child, community for me now is pretty much non-existent. I'm currently working on this. There are several options to try and expand this category. There is church. Personally, I have never been much of a fan of organized religion. It may date back to being dragged kicking and screaming to church every Sunday, but I also understand that this is a great way to meet people and to be a part of a group. I have been to several Mommy and Me groups (see previous posts). I haven't really met anyone that I have clicked with in this respect, but I keep going -- you never know. Another is work...

Recently I have been looking at my career. What do I want to do. I know that juggling career and being a full-time mom is impossible, but there has to be a way around this. Do I want to continue working in the hospitality industry? Is it just too late for me to change careers at this point in my life? I have been tossing around ideas of starting my own business and finding something that would incorporate family. What would I be passionate about? (This is an ongoing internal debate, that I will no doubt address in future posts) - Work is a great way no meet people, but it also stems back to self...

Self. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. Is this me? Under the dark circles and the smear of mascara that has somehow stained my eyes. This is my struggle at the moment. My "self" has slipped. The balance is off. I don't find myself really getting a lot of time to dedicate to this. (Other than the occassional bubble bath - which seems to be extremely rejuventating, though). Most importantly though, you have to have a strong sense of self and self esteem for you, as well as your family -- and there is the cycle... Family, community, self. Balance.

Promises, Promises...

I've been thinking about creating an ongoing list of promises that I intend to make to my children. A list that I will, undoubtedly, need to revisit frequently. I will probably forget one or two of these promises in the midst of a "debate" (a.k.a. blowout argument) when my children are teenagers - or maybe sooner.

When most women get pregnant, there is the universal thought of: "I will be better than my parents". Personally, my parents weren't bad at all - but as a mother, as any mother no doubt, you want to improve upon the concept of "mother". At some point we should get it right - which I guess will be virtually impossible since we are human. I am sure that every mother wants this for her child, though, to be better than the generation previously. I think in concentrating on the things they did wrong, we forget about what was right. So, hence, the list. To try and remember the simple things that my parents did correctly (in my opinion) and the things I want to improve upon.

I promise...

• ...to support you. This does not mean financially. I'm not going to always buy you the latest and greatest fashion or gadget, but I promise you that when it counts, I will support you.


• ...to say I'm sorry when I am wrong, which I am sure I will be (once or twice).


• ...to be honest with you. Now this is a little tricky since it will have to be age appropriate, but my hopes are that you will know that I'll speak truthfully when you need to hear it, and not keep secrets (this excludes Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy at least for a little while).


• ...to always do the best I can at being your mom. This may not (and probably won't) always be good enough at the time, but in the end, I hope it will be.


• ...to enjoy and treasure the small things, the tiny moments that only you and I share.


• ...to try and create as many of those special moments as possible.


• ...to show you that the best things in life are really free - and that's not some dumb saying.


• ...to speak with you, instead of at you.


• ...to try and expose you to as much of the world and it's beauties, as well as imperfections, as possible.


• ...to be optimistic - or at least try REALLY hard!


• ...to remember that you are your own person, and I don't own you. You are free to be, and I won't try to control you - ever.


• ...to teach you about trust and how important your word is.


• ...to nurture your opinions and your individual thoughts, even if they differ from mine.
• ...to teach you to respect, not only others, but yourself as well.


• ...to help you understand that being a part of this family makes you special.


• and most importantly, I promise to love you - no matter what.
  

There are many more, I'm sure, but that's all I've got for now. If anyone has any suggestions feel free to comment!

Happy Mother's Day!

Playgroups

"Mommy and Me" replacement terms:

Martini Mamas

Postpartum Party

Tequila and Tots or, even

Babes and Babies?

When I first moved to Tampa I realized that I was going to have to take matters into my own hands in order to meet people. Since I was not really actively working and able to meet people through my career, I was going to have to be creative to find people. I went onto http://www.meetup.com/ and searched for mommy groups. A site I had used previously for finding clients and other hospitality professionals, and I was looking for mom groups?! Even typing it now, it is shocking. I never thought I would look for playdates - especially on the internet! Anyway, I found a local group and figured I would go to the next meetup. It was at Applebees. The first thought I had was Happy Hour! I could use a drink. I haven't had a drink for months. Isn't that what moms do that stay home? I mean, that's what's on TV, so it must be true, right? WRONG! Apparently drinking out with a child is frowned upon. It must have something to do with driving home. I'm not looking to get trashed, I'm just interested in having a small cocktail. Anyway, aside from the lack of alcohol, the group was nice. In fact, I have attended other "meetups" since, and have enjoyed all of them.

Community is important. Being part of something that is larger than you and your immediate surroundings is important. It may be a career, a church, a neighborhood, or even a playgroup.

Working mom vs. Stay at home mom

There has been this century-long debate of which was "better" a stay at home mom or a working mom. Either one definitely has it's perks and downfalls. The stay at home mom gets to be there every day to see her child grow and learn, but there's plenty of drawbacks to that. I mean EVERY day?! Trust me, it is possible to have too much of a good thing. Then there is the working mom. She has her own career, no loss of identity, but what about seeing your child grow? And being the one to raise your child, rather than a day care?

I've always been a working girl. I went to college only for a couple years to find out I really was better at learning in the work world than in a classroom. I started off as a front desk agent at the Westin Galleria in Houston, and quickly worked my way up the ranks and was a Guest Services Manager in Galveston when Brian and I met. I had about 20 or so people that reported to me. People from all walks of life. I had the 60 year old door man that had worked at the hotel for years, and was pretty much a staple, an 18 year old valet parker, the student, and, of course, the moms. Secretly, I hated hiring moms. Don't get me wrong, I did, and especially if they were qualified, but it was always inevitable that I would be dealing with the same thing. Scheduling. Every Thursday I did the schedule for the following week, and it was a challenge. I had the school schedules to work around, trying to make everyone happy with giving them the preferred shifts, and then there were the moms... There were soccer and dance recitals, PTA meetings and conferences, and after I spent an hour getting the schedule perfect, posted - Little Sally would get sick. This child was sick so often that there was a point that I recommended we have the child placed in some sort of bubble.

When Brian and I got married and I realized that we would be moving around every few years, I needed a job that was more flexible, and allowed me to move with him without having to find a new job every time we moved. So, I started working as an independent contractor for a meetings management company. It was similar to having your own business, so it took a lot of work, but allowed me to work from home. The pay wasn't steady, but it was decent. So, when I got pregnant, I figured I could just keep working from home. The best of both worlds, right? Boy, I was so delusional.

I always thought being a stay at home mom was a cinch. I mean, really, how hard could it be? I managed 20 people, that acted like children most of the time anyway, one infant? I could do that with my hands tied behind my back. Right? WRONG! I tried for months to try and establish a schedule. A schedule that would include naps, bathing, work, and meals. I gave up last month. There is no way in hell this is possible. Maybe it is my child, or maybe it is me, but trying to set up and stick to a daily schedule was hopeless. I consider a successful day one that includes a shower and avoiding being spit up on since.

So back to the original dilemma. Home or work? We've established working from home to be impossible, unless you have child care, which would be nice, but my work at home job doesn't have a steady enough pay to do that. Work out of the house? It would have to be a decent paying job to justify child care expenses, which would be the hotel business - all I've ever done. The hours? And 2 parents in the same 24-hour business? Not good for Mason. So back to staying at home. (And hopefully squeezing in some meeting management jobs in where I can).

So, writing this blog entry has taken 3 1/2 hours - a simple 15 minute task, yet with all the interruptions of the day, a complicated one. I want to be a super mom, but there is honestly not enough time in the day to do it all (and my son isn't much of a napper). So here I am writing a blog about decisions. About what is best for me, as well as my son. There are days that are so hard, I cry, and wonder if there is anyway I can do this, and do it well, and then there are his smiles and giggles, his grunts as he poops, his messiness - even when he gets upset, and my ability to soothe him... and - it sounds sappy - but it's worth it.

History

I arrived in Tampa ripe... When I say ripe, I don't mean stinky, but round and ready to pop... You see I was 9 months pregnant. The trip from Boston was difficult and tiring. I had never been to Tampa before and as I started seeing the signs saying Tampa - 15 miles... I was getting excited. A new baby, a new place, a new life. Don't get me wrong, I liked Boston, in fact, I would say I loved Boston, but that may be a little exaggerated. I liked it a lot, but it was time for a move.

My husband and I are both in the hospitality industry, and we met in Texas in 2001. We were both working at the Hotel Galvez in Galveston and eventually fell in love. I giggle as I type this because our relationship has grown so much since those early days, I find it funny now to reminisce about them. Anyway, we move around every three or so years, so we first moved to DC/Northern Virginia, then to Boston, and now Florida...

So, getting back to arriving in Tampa 9 months pregnant. I was optimistic - really I was - at this point moving is a snap, and I just had to add the preparation for baby to that mix... no big deal right? wrong! When we moved to Boston, we ended up living in the hotel that my husband worked at, for almost a year, while we waited for our house in VA to sell. Thank goodness we didn't have that issue again, and ended up renting in Boston, so my goal was to find a place to live ASAP so I wasn't bringing my baby 'home' to a hotel... Anyway, long story short, we found a place, moved in, I found a Dr. (which was a process in itself since no OBGYN wanted to take me 9 months along)... and then we waited. Mason (our son) decided that staying in my belly - high blood pressure and all - sounded much better than going through that birth canal. Looking back on it now, I don't blame him. So he was a week late, evicted via C-section, and I couldn't be happier.

That was 7 months ago.